How to be a Typical Nigerian

Group of People Waving Flag of Nigeria in Back Lit

 Throw Waste from the Windows of Moving Vehicles: It’s common practice amongst us, Nigerians, to dispose of refuse wherever and whenever we deem fit. It doesn’t matter if there are several approved and much more convenient ways of disposing of waste. We seem to have an unmentioned code of conduct that declares that disposing waste indiscriminately is patriotic. In the spirit of ‘change’, however, I am hoping that soon, we would start getting used to disposing of refuse appropriately.

Spitting out of Moving Vehicles: This one had to get a special paragraph on this list, why? I have been victim of flying saliva. One time too many, I have come close to being smeared with the mucus waste from a moving vehicle. Please, if you do this, STOP!!! When you spit from a moving vehicle, it doesn’t go straight, as you intend. It is forced by the wind in the opposite direction to gravitate backwards and you are really endangering the life of the man behind. Please, STOP!!!

Wishing for the Death of Leaders: I find this mostly disturbing, in the least. How can anyone wish for the death of a fellow human? It hurts more when parents wish for the death of another parent. Please, how do you use to do it? I mean, there is no guarantee that the death of the president is going to make things any better. The irony, however, is that many of the people who wish for the death of ‘corrupt leaders’ are corrupt leaders in their own relative capacity.

Age Declaration Forms: On my former job, I prepared affidavits for age declarations, secret cult renunciation and so forth. I was shocked one day when a woman who was apparently years older than my mum claimed on her affidavit to be about thirteen years younger than my mom. There was literally a volley of electrical volts shot into my soul. This is basically why the leaders of tomorrow are all into blogging and MUA.

Farting in Public Spaces: Nothing spells terror more than someone farting inside a cramped public service bus. Dang! People who carry out such dastardly acts deserve to be prosecuted. How can someone just lift one side of their ‘yansh’ and left fly the most disastrous and gaseous form of terror? I find it terribly disturbing – even though I may have done this, once or twice.

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